update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
