I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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