thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
