Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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