I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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