Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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