did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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