my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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