woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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