We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
