So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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