I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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