So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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