Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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