his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize