um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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