Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Everything about him screamed your future.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Randomize
