my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
