this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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