so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
