Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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