none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I need water and some morals
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
