before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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