I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
