Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
