I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
