Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize
