he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
