nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need moral support for this bender
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
