I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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