That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Alive.
So much puke
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
