i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
