I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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