I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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