what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
