I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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