I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
