I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
