Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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