that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize