The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
