I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
