just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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