well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
