after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
