I wanna bring you to show and tell
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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