All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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