Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
