Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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