I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
