when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize