last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
