for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
