is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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