Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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