So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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