is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
