Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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