Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
