I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My vagina just clenched in fear
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